Monday, November 15, 2010

I Just Can't Do It All in Time ...

For quite some time I have been dogged by feeling that no matter what I'm planning to do I don't have 'enough' time. It's a very uncomfortable and disatisfying sensation and also some how 'disquieting.' I never feel I have all the time in the world. I know people who are able to live in a sort of 'suspended' time-frame. Whatever it is they chose to do at a given moment they can give themselves entirely over to that 'whatever-it-is.'

The result of this feeling is that a lethargy sets in and it's difficult to settle down to doing anything other than mundane tasks -- dinner, ironing, laundry -- whatever. So the question is what do I really feel I do not have enough time to do -- not have time to finish -- so why not just stop and then come back to it? I know that whatever I do it tends to take longer than I think it will. In the kitchen it always seems to take me hours longer to prepare a meal than others. If we give a dinner party I start early in the morning and I'm still never really ready on time. From the preparation of food, to my changing my clothes, I almost always feel shambolic.

I mean, hell, I'm retired -- if I want to stay up all night and watch episode after episode of The Wire, there is no reason not to sleep all day and repeat the next night if I want. But I'll watch 3 episodes - max and go to bed no later than 2 am and hopefully it will be 1.

The thing is that I don't have time to do everything I would like to do. That is the crux of it. I want to study languages -- especially French and Italian. I want to read books about thousands of subjects and then novels, too and I want to see films and tv shows and I want to travel and give dinner parties and even go to church. Oh and then there is Facebook and blogging and emailing and photography, not to mention .....

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